Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
you will never know the true number of layers
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.