Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.