Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.