Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
January has been Januweary
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]