Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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Oops
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
just gave your address to some spiders
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935