Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

WHY?!

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?