Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
cat vs inanimate object
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink