Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!