Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?