Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
You Might Also Like
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
What personal space?
My dog
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that