Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
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Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
japanese corn
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.