Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
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Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I think they could have phrased this better
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
They’re stuck in your pants?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth