Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

If a snake ate a cake

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.