Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
E
E
E
E
E
e
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e
e
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ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.