Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
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ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”