Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
This meal prepping shit is easy
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.