Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
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Put the is in disheveled
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.