Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

two people or more is called a problem

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

how was your vacation

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.