Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.