@KentWGraham

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

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@gonzotrucker

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

@Fickle_Filly

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

@BadassBarbie11

Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.

@PinkCamoTO

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

@LizHackett

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

@NeinQuarterly

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

@shaztaberry

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

@bzamayo

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

@mom_tho

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers