Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.