Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

weird email i got today

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.