Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.