Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Doctors texting each other.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?