Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

become ungovernable

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was