Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
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*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.