Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Self-cleaning conscience

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Geez man, take it easy.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying