Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
me and the Superbowl rn
Has there ever been a more American story?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My dog ate my work from home.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar