Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery