Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?