whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog