Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other