Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

#Caturday

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.