whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If a snake ate a cake
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run