Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I am a gravy boat captain
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
