Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
