Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

Aight bet

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

TODAY

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.