Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

We decided to have money instead of children.

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.