Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.