Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.