Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally