whenever i wake up before my alarm
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.