whenever i wake up before my alarm
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
they see me scrollin
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”