Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot