Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
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Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Born to be mild.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.