Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
12. I think about this all the damn time
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.