Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
You Might Also Like
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Just grow your own
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.