Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”