Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
How to make infinite energy.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Carpe DM
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Cartman: Respect my
a a
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out