Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Wait a second…
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
They got Raph!
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Potatoes were such a good idea