Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year