Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?