Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.