@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

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@AlexRogaski

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

@scorpicpanda

*gets ponytail caught in elevator door

*hands phone to stranger

“Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?”

@omgthatspunny

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

@Mr_Kapowski

[Grandma’s funeral]

GIRL: *crying*

BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better

*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*

@Poopy_Pizza_Pal

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

@Laser_Cat

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

@TheTalkingPipe

Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.

@aneesa_p

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.