@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

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@johnmoe

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

@Mom_Overboard

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

@Darlainky

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

@SeriesCam

if i must be murdered, my one request is that you leave my body propped up in a spinning chair faced away from the door so that whoever finds me will gently tap my shoulder and cause the chair to turn and theatrically reveal my corpse while thunder rolls above

@kxthleen

other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful

me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean

@bridger_w

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

@3sunzzz

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

@bfrosty04

Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, ‘Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe’ night.