The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
if i must be murdered, my one request is that you leave my body propped up in a spinning chair faced away from the door so that whoever finds me will gently tap my shoulder and cause the chair to turn and theatrically reveal my corpse while thunder rolls above
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful
me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, ‘Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe’ night.