me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
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Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Just ordered me some pizza!
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?