Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.