Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date