Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

This woman is my idol. Free her.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.