Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
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Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
The human personality is made of five key elements
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset