Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”