Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
logging onto twitter…
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me