Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying