Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.