Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Happy thanksgiving!

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

But is it really??

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

We need it on priority

Unmatched

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg