Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.