Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

And then there were 4

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

These are my emotional support Pringles.

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both