Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?