Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
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My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
The 6 types of sex
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Leonardo DiCaprisun