Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
No Google it does not
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious