Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Happy Taco Tuesday
me hitting on a model
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist